Life with Aspergers

So today I thought I would start and try to be a bit vulnerable and honest about how my daily life with Aspergers, ADD and panic and anxiety issues works, and describe a typical at home day. This is hard!
I am inspired by EDucating Shanny on YouTube. She is so incredibly brave sharing her life with an eating disorder. And the blog The Cutting Cookies Circus that I mentioned on Monday. It’s so important to share what the reality is for a person with some kind of disability/disorder, physical or mental, to spread knowledge and understanding.

Ok here goes…. scary. This is going to be a long one, since I don’t have a “what is important and not” filter.

My day, sort of starts at midnight, it’s a marker for me that a new day has started. I need a lot of sleep, and I am totally crap at it, so going to bed is a bit tricky.
Firstly I need melatonin to actually get sleepy, Omeprazol for acid reflux, Stesolid  (a benzodiasepine) and Lyrica to not wake up with a full-blown panic attack, I also sleep under an 8 kg chain weighed duvet. But, these things are actually great, because finally, after years of insomnia, I am actually sleeping. I used to look forward to my horrible period pain because then I could take Kodein and get at leas three nights of good sleep, not healthy behaviour.

So, going to bed. Here I have two choices, sort of. I could take the more healthy seeming route and go to bed at about 12, at the same time as my husband, the problem with that is that I almost always wake up when he goes to work, and then I have trouble going back to sleep, and I need more sleep than him. I am awake for a few hours and then finally go back to sleep, wake up really late, like 13 of 14 pm and feel all groggy.

The other route is to wait a few hours, not a problem I am very active and awake at this time, and go to bed at 2 or 3 am in the morning, then I am deeply asleep when my husband gets up and mostly sleep right through it. If I do this I usually get a full nights uninterrupted sleep, but I wake up at about 12 noon, and I have missed a lot of the day and lots of sunlight. Now, I’m not a morning person so I don’t want to get up at 7 in the morning or anything like that, but say 10 would be nice. I haven’t found a way to make that happen… yet.

When I wake up, I usually watch a few YouTube videos to make myself a bit more alert, I have the same problem waking up, as I have falling asleep, I never, ever wake up feeling refreshed and done sleeping, probably because of the ADD. I have to convince myself to get up, and that’s quite hard when I’m alone in the house and have nothing planed for the day, I mean the bed is soft, warm and lovely, and has wi-fi, why leave it!?

I finally drag myself out of bed, grab some comfy clothing, and go feed the bunnies, my husband looked in on them before he left so I know they are not super hungry or anything. They want some pellets, new hay, water and usually a bit of sweeping, because they are messy little creatures. 😉  If its summer and we have our “sheep on loan” I go out on the deck and see where they are, count them in and make sure that they are all looking good. We talk a bit back and forth. 🙂 They don’t answer me when I mimic them, only when I speak human. 😀

Then I go take care of me, peeing and making breakfast, not at the same time! I don’t like breakfast, why would I, that would make things easier!
I think I am getting a bit cynical writhing this down, is it showing through?
But I love my mandatory big cup of black tea with a splash of oat milk. I might make oatmeal, or some other porridge, but that takes five minutes and sometimes I don’t have five minutes of patience in the morning. Or toast with banana and peanut butter or soygurt with muesli. I need something filling or otherwise whats the point. Now I need, at a minimum a full hour of silent waking up time (well, not silent for me, I listen to an audio book, play some “tapped out” on my phone, read or watch more YouTube, but don’t talk to me!) before I am able to do anything. And here is where I should remember to take my morning pills, a low dose of antidepressants, more Lyrica and some vitamins, especially important since I am a vegan. But I forget, say once a week or so, not good at all with these kinds of medications.

Then I have, lets call it “units” of energy to work with. I could go work on the blog, on some art like sewing, weaving, spinning or knitting, I could clean a bit, gardening in the summer or go for a walk. And after each unit I have to rest. The thing is, I have to start with one unit of energy, I don’t know what will happen later, and can’t presume there will be any more units, so I must choose one activity. If I am lucky and remember to get lunch on time (I have actually started to enjoy cooking for myself now that I am vegan) I might have a unit more after lunch and then past say 11 pm at night, my natural waking hours I have all the energy I want, and can complete large projects with precision, right when its time to go to bed.
Sometimes its great and I can work until the wee hours and really get things done and in spring hear the birds waking up and get to see the sunset before I go to bed.
And sometimes it’s totally inconvenient because I might have something to do in the morning and I need my sleep and new unit of energy. Thankfully the melatonin makes me sleepy about an hour after I take them, so even if I am wide awake, I know that after doing my nightly “brushing my teeth, cleaning my face” routine and some YouTube watching under the “very heavy” covers I will become sleepy.

When my husband comes home from work, we have dinner together and talk around the kitchen table, NOT! We are on totally different time schedules and I have usually already eaten and left him a plate in the fridge, but this is “Frida food” and it might not be palatable to everyone, and also he usually has had a big lunch.
Him coming home can go two ways, either I am happy to see him, get a new burst (unit) of energy and want to go do something! Or, I feel he is disturbing my lovely “quiet” alone time with his bursting in (to his home!) making noise and talking, this brings out emotions I didn’t know I felt and I can get really angry, not at him, it’s not his fault, just in general, but this calms down after a while.
And by the way, we eat in the living room each with a computer in our laps. 🙂 Thats how we like it!

(My head is currently screaming at me… “Aah, its just text, why would anyone want to read all this?!” Honesty, remember)


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2 thoughts on “Life with Aspergers”

  1. I’m glad to see you’ve gained some sort of balance and make things work for you. I suppose routine is really important for you to feel grounded.
    Since you’re vegan, have you checked out The Happy Pear on YouTube? They’re these bubbly Irish twins who make super delicious food and have some videos called 5 Minute Meals that you might like. Personally, I’m in love with their raw vegan energy balls 🙂 (aaaand I just noticed this last sentence sounds really weird when read out loud!)

    Liked by 1 person

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