So today I thought I would start and try to be a bit vulnerable and honest about how my daily life with Aspergers, ADD and panic and anxiety issues works, and describe a typical at home day. This is hard!
I am inspired by EDucating Shanny on YouTube. She is so incredibly brave sharing her life with an eating disorder. And the blog The Cutting Cookies Circus that I mentioned on Monday. It’s so important to share what the reality is for a person with some kind of disability/disorder, physical or mental, to spread knowledge and understanding.
Ok here goes…. scary. This is going to be a long one, since I don’t have a “what is important and not” filter.
My day, sort of starts at midnight, it’s a marker for me that a new day has started. I need a lot of sleep, and I am totally crap at it, so going to bed is a bit tricky.
Firstly I need melatonin to actually get sleepy, Omeprazol for acid reflux, Stesolid (a benzodiasepine) and Lyrica to not wake up with a full-blown panic attack, I also sleep under an 8 kg chain weighed duvet. But, these things are actually great, because finally, after years of insomnia, I am actually sleeping. I used to look forward to my horrible period pain because then I could take Kodein and get at leas three nights of good sleep, not healthy behaviour.
So, going to bed. Here I have two choices, sort of. I could take the more healthy seeming route and go to bed at about 12, at the same time as my husband, the problem with that is that I almost always wake up when he goes to work, and then I have trouble going back to sleep, and I need more sleep than him. I am awake for a few hours and then finally go back to sleep, wake up really late, like 13 of 14 pm and feel all groggy.
The other route is to wait a few hours, not a problem I am very active and awake at this time, and go to bed at 2 or 3 am in the morning, then I am deeply asleep when my husband gets up and mostly sleep right through it. If I do this I usually get a full nights uninterrupted sleep, but I wake up at about 12 noon, and I have missed a lot of the day and lots of sunlight. Now, I’m not a morning person so I don’t want to get up at 7 in the morning or anything like that, but say 10 would be nice. I haven’t found a way to make that happen… yet.
When I wake up, I usually watch a few YouTube videos to make myself a bit more alert, I have the same problem waking up, as I have falling asleep, I never, ever wake up feeling refreshed and done sleeping, probably because of the ADD. I have to convince myself to get up, and that’s quite hard when I’m alone in the house and have nothing planed for the day, I mean the bed is soft, warm and lovely, and has wi-fi, why leave it!?
I finally drag myself out of bed, grab some comfy clothing, and go feed the bunnies, my husband looked in on them before he left so I know they are not super hungry or anything. They want some pellets, new hay, water and usually a bit of sweeping, because they are messy little creatures. 😉 If its summer and we have our “sheep on loan” I go out on the deck and see where they are, count them in and make sure that they are all looking good. We talk a bit back and forth. 🙂 They don’t answer me when I mimic them, only when I speak human. 😀
Then I go take care of me, peeing and making breakfast, not at the same time! I don’t like breakfast, why would I, that would make things easier!
I think I am getting a bit cynical writhing this down, is it showing through?
But I love my mandatory big cup of black tea with a splash of oat milk. I might make oatmeal, or some other porridge, but that takes five minutes and sometimes I don’t have five minutes of patience in the morning. Or toast with banana and peanut butter or soygurt with muesli. I need something filling or otherwise whats the point. Now I need, at a minimum a full hour of silent waking up time (well, not silent for me, I listen to an audio book, play some “tapped out” on my phone, read or watch more YouTube, but don’t talk to me!) before I am able to do anything. And here is where I should remember to take my morning pills, a low dose of antidepressants, more Lyrica and some vitamins, especially important since I am a vegan. But I forget, say once a week or so, not good at all with these kinds of medications.
Then I have, lets call it “units” of energy to work with. I could go work on the blog, on some art like sewing, weaving, spinning or knitting, I could clean a bit, gardening in the summer or go for a walk. And after each unit I have to rest. The thing is, I have to start with one unit of energy, I don’t know what will happen later, and can’t presume there will be any more units, so I must choose one activity. If I am lucky and remember to get lunch on time (I have actually started to enjoy cooking for myself now that I am vegan) I might have a unit more after lunch and then past say 11 pm at night, my natural waking hours I have all the energy I want, and can complete large projects with precision, right when its time to go to bed.
Sometimes its great and I can work until the wee hours and really get things done and in spring hear the birds waking up and get to see the sunset before I go to bed.
And sometimes it’s totally inconvenient because I might have something to do in the morning and I need my sleep and new unit of energy. Thankfully the melatonin makes me sleepy about an hour after I take them, so even if I am wide awake, I know that after doing my nightly “brushing my teeth, cleaning my face” routine and some YouTube watching under the “very heavy” covers I will become sleepy.
When my husband comes home from work, we have dinner together and talk around the kitchen table, NOT! We are on totally different time schedules and I have usually already eaten and left him a plate in the fridge, but this is “Frida food” and it might not be palatable to everyone, and also he usually has had a big lunch.
Him coming home can go two ways, either I am happy to see him, get a new burst (unit) of energy and want to go do something! Or, I feel he is disturbing my lovely “quiet” alone time with his bursting in (to his home!) making noise and talking, this brings out emotions I didn’t know I felt and I can get really angry, not at him, it’s not his fault, just in general, but this calms down after a while.
And by the way, we eat in the living room each with a computer in our laps. 🙂 Thats how we like it!
(My head is currently screaming at me… “Aah, its just text, why would anyone want to read all this?!” Honesty, remember)
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